"Those People"

Tonight started as a normal Monday night has been, for the past four months. Pizza and salad, laughter and fellowship, and the start of an evening where there is no mask required. Where you can be as broken as you want, and still be welcomed. For almost four months now, I have been attending a recovery group at my church called Celebrate Recovery, or CR as some people call it. For about the six weeks I sat silent in group afraid to show my hurts, habits, and hang ups.

See, when I first heard about CR four years ago when other people I knew were going, I never thought I would be the type of person that needs to go to CR. I was never "that person" who had all the problems. I didn't do drugs. I didn't have a drinking problem, or any other other issues. Instead, I just would do child care for the parents. I never thought badly about the people that attended, but just thought... They have issues and clearly need to work through them. Not being judgmental at all... But still thinking, I would never NEED to go.

Tonight, I was actually referred to as one of "those kind of people" and I was shocked and saddened. For so long I fought being one of them, but realized I am one of them.

Hi, I'm Mary, and I struggle with alcohol, codependency, depression, food addiction, isolation, anger, and self injury. I'm a survivor of mental, emotional and sexual abuse.

I am one of "those people". I realized though... "Those people" aren't bad people. Maybe made some bad choices, walked down a wrong road, or maybe even had something happen to them that they couldn't control and want to find healing and ways to deal with the affects. In fact, I now look at "those people" as some of the bravest and strongest people I know. When I am struggling I look to the ladies in my group and know I can receive support and encouragement. When I want to cut so badly and I know I can't tell any of my "normal friends", I know my brothers and sisters are there, "those people" I use to think I would never be, I know I can get support and strength from. And when I celebrate day 60 of not cutting, it's a big deal. I know I can sit in the circle and be as honest as I want, and it will be okay.

I now have a sponsor who I talk to regularly. She is there to support me as I go through the steps and is there during those times when I want to give up. I know she won't allow me to give up, because if I did... I would be giving up on God, and the amazing plan He has for myself. I now am officially one of "those people", and I wouldn't change it for anything. Why, because I'm starting to realize that I'm worth it. In the words of my sponsor, who has overcome so much herself, and is such an awesome example of healing and redemption... "Allow us to love you, until you can learn to love yourself." Every time when I'm struggling, which sometimes is daily... I hold onto that. I am accepted and loved for who I am, not what I pretend to be.

So... Tonight I ask you, what label have you put on others? What label have you put on yourself? We are so quick to label others and ourselves, and yet we never see past that... And see what the label is really made of. What's beyond the label?

I'm grateful to be one of "those people"!

Much Love

The Second

"We might not be able to control the first thought but you can control the second."

Let's be real. We can't control others thoughts. All we can control are ours, right? Today was a day of wrestling with this very thing, others thoughts and my thoughts. Yesterday, a co-worker came in and thought he would do me a favor by letting me know that there are other people I work with that are scared of me. Yup, scared of me. When he released those words at me, I felt my heart become so sad. Are people really scared of me? What have I done to make them scared? I tried putting this conversation in the back of my mind and pretty much did just that. At least until I saw him at work again and he gave me "the look" like I need to make sure I am being as nice as I possibly can be. When that happened, I felt this rush of emotions, and then all the negative self talk consumed my head for most of the morning. 

Why is it that we allow others thoughts, whether they are true or not, control us so much? Why then must we start to beat ourselves up with the negative talk? I was doing just that. I'm such a jerk. I'm no good at anything. No wonder my relationships are so hit and miss. I'm worthless. People would be better off without me. When these and many more statements started happening, I know I needed to bring these lies out of darkness and into the light. I went to God with this lie, and then reached out to my sponsor. I needed the reminder that I can control the second thought. I can control my part. Its a choice though that has to be made. Sometimes we just need a friendly reminder of the truth! See when we allow ourselves to sit in the dark with these lies, alone... That's when the real damage starts to happen. 

What lies are you believing tonight?? What lies do you need to bring truth to and light too?? 

Community

What is community?? And where can I find it?? Those have been some big questions I have been asking myself recently. Tonight I was talking with a dear friend, and this very thing came up again. Then, I started thinking... What really is community, as God intended it to be? I'm still really trying to figure that out. The one thing we both agreed on though was that God created us to be in community with other believers. I was looking at my walk the past 4 years, and as I was thinking about where I grew the most as a follower of Jesus it hit me hard. I didn't grow deeper in my walk with Jesus by just going to a service on Sunday. I grew the most when I was in community with other believers. Small groups. Classes during the week. Meeting up for fellowship and coffee. Serving the community, while being in community. That's when I grew the most. Not siting for an hour hearing the pastor give the same message he has all weekend, but it was where I was known at. Where others had invested in me, and I invested in them. That's where there was growth and Jesus at the front of it.

Tonight I wrestled with another question. Where do I find community? What happens when the community you were apart of in so many ways was taken? What do you do then? Do you just go with it and give up, or do you try to find a new place with community and form it there? This is where I'm at right now. Hopelessly wondering around in a false sense of community, hoping to one day make a difference, but also to be heard and seen again. Would you be noticed if you weren't there anymore? Would you become just another face in the crowd of strangers? When is it time to realize that community is not there anymore and it is time to find community and fellowship some where else? You are not able to feed into them anymore because you can't find them in the sea of faces, and they can't find you. Why must we destroy solid community to create more community, only to find that instead we have lost the vision of what Christ had for community.

So now I ask myself, is it time for me to continue to grow in my walk with those I'm in fellowship and community with? Or is it time for me to become just another face in the sea of lost faces and hope to find community again at some point?

The joys of Moving!!

This weekend I started the process of moving into a new place. If I'm honest, moving is really tough for a few different reasons. For me, it's hard trying to adjust to a new place and new people. Learning how to do "the dance" maybe you could call it. Also, it's been hard being uprooted from a place that not only was home but felt like home. Safe, warm, and welcoming. Now it's time to start building more memories, and see what God has in store!!

Tonight, I actually went and grabbed the last bit of my stuff that I had let at the house. Now it feels real. Will I see them again? Will the adjustment of moving in with a new family work out for all of us? I have been asking myself this for a little but now. The only thing I know though and choose to hold onto is.... God has a plan and is in total control! I don't need to worry, right?! Nope!

Moving is complete! Now the fun part of unpacking!!

Much Love

Changes and Anxiety

Last night, all I was thinking about was how I was unable to post a blog due to not having Internet at where I was staying for the night. So, tonight I take advantage of the free Internet, and the time to post for Nonstop November!

November has started with many blessings and with those blessings are coming change. In the past, change has gotten the best of me at times and I have been hit with a flood of many emotions. Some that were manageable, and some that took their toll on me physically, emotionally and mentally. Fear of the unknown consuming me. Deep feelings of loss and hurt. Even sometimes feelings of feeling like I was drowning and never going to make it to the surface of all this change. 

With change, have you ever felt like your identity has been taken from you or that you are alone in all the chaos that comes with change.... Both good and tough change??

Yesterday started the chaos of some of the changes going on in my life. In the last month I have started working Saturdays at my job, to pick up extra hours and also help at the counters, since work has been getting busier on Saturdays. I have loved every minute of my new Saturdays and all that I have been learning!! However, the only downfall to working the new 6 days a week schedule, is Sunday is my only full day off. So, that made this weekend of change tough, and it has gotten the best of me. 

Last night right after work, I headed home to start packing my room up, so I could move the next morning into a new place, where I am renting a room from an amazing family! Thank the Lord my mom decided to come out from the desert to help me, otherwise I know I wouldn't of been able to do it on my own. Well, as the packing started, the headache hit me. This past week I have been so stressed out over time and all that needs to be done. The week had something going on every night, and it just left no time, lots of fear and worry, and many sleepless nights. As we were driving to my aunts, my anxiety secretly consumed me. All I could think was I need to get alone. I need to retreat. I need to cope how I always seem to. Instead, I stayed quiet, until we pulled into get food real quick. The anxiety and fears were screaming... And then, it hit me hard. I opened the door just in time, and got physically sick from all of the stress and anxiety consuming me. The rest of the night, I ate nothing and just rested, getting nothing done the rest of the night. 

Today started another busy and early day. Packing, loading 4 car loads and then getting some what of my new room ready to start the new week tomorrow. Finished and then headed to my step study and then heading to church to serve with an amazing crew for the Sunday Night Service at Saddleback Church where I attend. It was a busy day, but I had to put my anxiety and fears in check, constantly speaking them out. Today has been long, but so great!! I'm so glad to get home and pass out. 

How is fear and anxiety holding you back today??

Much Love

Answered Prayers

As followers of Christ, we are called to seek out God in all we do. To lay all our burdens at His feet and to Praise Him in all things. I must be honest with you. I struggle in this area a lot. I do not go to God with all things, but rather only some things. I do not give Him all control over my life, and I sure don't always give Him praise when things are going good. I hold onto a lot, and hope that I can handle every thing and make it through on my own strength.

Recently, I've started to let go of that control though, and give more and more to God and place more things at His feet that I do not know how to handle or what His plan is. I'm starting to trust Him a lot more and doing more to stop trying to hide from Him and all that He is. With that, prayers are becoming more personal to my Daddy, and happening a lot more. He is there and He hears me and will always see me. No matter how horrible I feel inside. No matter how many great things are happening. Even when I stumble... He sees me. He hears me. He will always love me! And so I share more of my heart with Him in many ways.

Yesterday, one huge prayer that I have been praying for some time now... was answered!! One of the greatest ways I love seeing God, is through answered prayers. The prayers of friends and also with my prayers! That is when I have the Awe... He heard me and loves me!! For me, its was an answered prayer in regards to a few things at work... and man, did He answer my prayers in ways that I never would've imagined.

Excited for new beginnings with a company I love working for. Blessed to be able to serve the customers that I will connect with daily. And excited to work with my bosses who have seen me and my desire to learn and serve in all areas of work! There is nothing better than being excited and happy to go to work each day and enjoy working with those you work with!!

Are you constantly seeking God out in all areas of your life? What are some areas in your life that you need to give to God in your prayer time with Him? How is your prayer time? 

Much Love!

Nonstop November

The Challenge starts... NOW!!! 

Yesterday, while scrolling through my twitter feed, I came across a post that caught my eye for a reason I will never know. Maybe because there was a challenge involved?! I have never been one to turn down to many challenges. This one though had me thinking a lot. 

"I'm doing this thing I've called Nonstop November next month. Writing every dat for 30 days. Jump on board. Commit to do something nonstop." @tanthonyfowler

So, there you have it. And as you can see, I have also decided to write. Not just write though. Rather, I have decided to blog and journal everyday, for the next 30 days, and share my thoughts and dreams. My fears and victories, along with my journey this next month. I only ask one thing though... leave some feedback here and even click follow, and let me know who you all are! Hope this is the start of something new and exciting!

Much Love

We all have one

We all have a story to tell. Some of us choose to live our stories out loud, in front of all to see. While others of us choose to only briefly share small pieces of our stories, at just the right time. 

God created us for a reason. He knew everything that was going to happen in our stories, and created us with a purpose. So often, we never fully understand the real purpose that we were created for, and choose to only live out part of our stories. 

Recently, I have been wrestling with a lot regarding my story... and what it is that God is calling me to do with it. Am I suppose to only share parts of my story with those around me and in ways keep being silent. Or, as I am walking through some difficult parts of my story... am I suppose to find courage and my voice in it, and begin to break the silence? 

Right now, I don't have an answer to that. However, I do know that Gods plans for us are for good. That the things that happen in our lives, may mold and shape us, but they do not define us. God never created us to suffer in life, but yet be able to live it to the fullest. We all have parts and pieces of our stories that are difficult and have hurt us. We have lost loved ones. We have had accidents. We have had times where we have hit rock bottom. There has been times where many of us have hated God for reasons beyond our control. There have even been times where we questioned if God even existed. God knew we were going to have those times and He has been right there along side us, the entire time.  God never meant for us to suffer, and yet sin was introduced, and impacted our stories in ways, He never intended. But, God does intend for our hurts and struggles to be made right and in the end... for a purpose. 

For some like myself, that is hard to even think about. God intends for this horrible part of my story to be made good? What good could ever be found in all of this hurt? What could sharing my story with others really do? Is my story even worth telling? What's the point, nothing will change? What's done.. is done? 

All of those questions I ask myself constantly. Each time though... I try as hard as I can to hold onto the truth that my God has intended for my hurts to be made good and for a purpose. I have no idea what that means in the end, but I hold onto that truth everyday. And when I have a hard time reminding myself that, I look to those around me that God has placed in my life to love me and accept me, despite all my hurts. I know that they will help remind me and still love me every step of the way. 

Forgiveness... Really?

For some time now, the word forgiveness has constantly been surrounding me in so many different ways. Hearing it in a message at church. Having a friend bring it up in conversation. My counselor talking about it with me. Or coming across it in a song or something I am reading at the time. 

What really is forgiveness? Is it something that just happens? How do we really go about forgiving someone that has done us wrong or hurt us? Why do we need to forgive? Do we even need to forgive someone that has hurt us so long ago? All these questions I have been asking myself constantly for some time now, and often times I get so angry and frustrated with not knowing the answers. However, I know that we are called to forgive, just as we have been forgiven for our sins, by Jesus! He died for our sins. Why not forgive those that have sinned against us? 

Let me tell you, as I am writing this, I am battling so much with everything forgiveness. Honestly, forgiveness is one of the many things that I have held onto for dear life. It makes me sick to my stomach  to think I need to forgive someone for hurting me so badly. 

Why is it so hard to forgive? Would it be easier if the person we need to forgive came and asked for the forgiveness? What would our walks with Christ look like if He didn't forgive us, every time we messed up?

How many times have I messed up today, and need to ask for forgiveness from others, but also from My Heavenly Father who constantly shows Mercy and Grace to us all?

Making a return...

So, it's been well over a year since I have attempted to even write a blog post. I guess life has gotten in the  way of that in a way. Life has been crazy since the last time I posted anything. However, I have realized that blogging was pretty fun, and a way for me to share my often quiet heart and thoughts with others!

So, as life is still crazy, and lets be real... will always be crazy, I am going to try to blog a lot more often. Or at least regularly. Often just really random things, but also... as life is changing constantly, probably some pretty intentional things to that I feel need to be shared for some reason or another! Hope you come back, read a post and show some love! :)

Much Love and Blessings,
Mary